The Right Way to Praise Your Kids

Experts explain the correct way to praise children to help build self-confidence.
By Heather Hatfield
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

With the future personalities of their two young children in their hands, Jennifer Bianco and her husband want to make sure the amount of praise they give their kids is just enough so they are confident and secure, but not so much that they turn out to be unbearable egomaniacs.

"While I think my kids are brilliant and beautiful, and I want to praise their every move, I do my best to dole it out when it's warranted," says Bianco, of Providence, R.I. "But I admit -- I'd rather her give a little too much than not enough."

Bianco is not alone in her parenting dilemma. A lot of moms and dads these days struggle with finding the right balance when it comes to praising their kids, and answering questions like, how much is too much? How much is too little? Is quantity that important, or is it the quality of praise that really matters?

While there's no secret formula, experts explain to WebMD the when, where, and how of praising so parents can use it as an important tool in raising confident kids with a healthy sense of self-esteem.

Status Quo of Praise

Parents everywhere praise their kids when they do well in school, win a ball game, or build an impressive sandcastle -- anytime their kids do something remarkable, or in many cases, something plain, old vanilla.

"We are becoming praise junkies as parents," says Jenn Berman, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy and Confident Kids. "We've gone to the opposite extreme of parents from a few decades ago who tended to be more strict, and now we overpraise our children."

By giving kids heaping portions of praise, parents think they're building their children's confidence and sense of self -- when it may be just the opposite.

"Somehow parents have come to believe that by praising our kids we improve their self-esteem," says Paul Donahue, PhD, founder and director of Child Development Associates. "Though well- intentioned, putting kids on a pedestal at an early age can actually hinder their growth."

Too much praise can backfire, it seems, and when given in a way that's insincere, make kids afraid to try new things or take a risk for fear of not being on the top all the time -- where their parent's praise has put them.

"There is something about praising your child constantly that is belittling," says Berman. "There's an underlying message that the child has to get his parent's approval all the time and constantly look to the parent for validation."

Still, don't go too far in the other direction -- not giving enough praise can be just as damaging as giving too much. Kids will feel like they're not good enough, or that you don't care, and may see no sense in reaching for their accomplishments.

So what is the right amount of praise? Experts say that the quality of praise is more important than the quantity: if praise is sincere and genuine, and focused on the effort, not the outcome, you can give it as often as your child does something that warrants a verbal reward.

The ABCs of Praise

"We should especially recognize our children's efforts to push themselves and work hard to achieve a goal," says Donahue, author of Parenting Without Fear: Letting Go of Worry and Focusing on What Really Matters. "One thing to remember: it's the process, not the end product, that matters."

Your son, explains Donahue, may not be the best basketball player on his team, but if he's out there every day, shooting baskets, running drills, and playing hard, you should praise his effort because it's above and beyond the norm -- regardless of whether his team wins or loses.

Praising the effort -- not the outcome -- can also mean recognizing your child when she has worked hard to clean the yard, or cook dinner, or complete a history assignment. But whatever the scenario, praise should be given on a case-by-case basis and be proportional to the amount of elbow grease your child put into it. Here are some real-life examples from the experts that demonstrate the praise fitting the accomplishment:

* If a child strikes out a few times during a ball game and then finally gets on base with a good ground ball up the middle, he deserves praise. You should praise his resilience and his willingness to push through when the going got tough.
* If your child is usually a responsible student who consistently does well in math, for example, you can recognize her good study habits, but don't go overboard every night when she sits down to hit the books if that's her normal routine. Give your praise when your child has done something special that's out of the ordinary.
* When your daughter practices for weeks and finally learns to ride a two-wheel bicycle, give her praise for sticking with it.
* When your son jumps on an amusement ride, you can tell him he is brave and adventuresome, but don't overdo it with the praise since he's not really working hard -- he's having fun.

When your child does make that special effort that deserves praise, you can certainly dish it out as you see fit. But one no-no that experts agree should be avoided at all costs is praising with cold, hard cash.

"I believe that we want children who are self-motivated," says Berman. "If you tell your daughter, 'If you get an A on the test I'll give you $5,' then you are creating a situation in which your child is motivated by money, not by the positive feelings of success."

While offering your kids cash incentives isn't a smart idea, you should embrace opportunities to celebrate their hard work and achievements.

"Going out for ice cream or a special meal after a good report card or musical performance or some other achievement is a way of celebrating children's hard work and persistence," says Donahue.

Praising Tips

Praising your kids is an important part of building their self-esteem and confidence. But there are some important dos and don'ts to keep in mind before you break out in applause that will help your child find value in your words of encouragement:

Be specific. Instead of saying, "You're such a good baseball player," say, "You hit the ball really hard and you are an excellent first baseman." Being specific is much better and helps kids to identify with their special skill, explains Berman.

Be genuine. Praise should always be genuine. Kids have a way of knowing when your praise is insincere, and you lose trust. Worse yet, they become insecure because they don't believe your positive words, and they find difficulty in telling the difference between when you really mean it and when you don't, explains Berman.

Encourage new activities. "Praise kids for trying new things, like learning to bike ride or tie their shoelaces, and for not being afraid to make mistakes," says Donahue.

Don't praise the obvious. "Try not to overdo praise about a child's attributes: 'You're so smart, handsome, pretty, bright, talented, gifted,'" says Donahue. "Parents and grandparents are of course going to indulge in some of this, and that is OK, but if our kids hear a constant litany of praise it will begin to sound empty to them and have little meaning."

Say it when you mean it. Saying "Good job," when you mean it, or "Boy, you really worked hard on that paper," tells children that, as parents, you recognize the value of their hard work and efforts, explains Donahue, and that you know the difference between when they work hard at something, and when it comes easy.

Focus on the process. Praise children for their effort and hard work, not for their inherent talents, explains Donahue. "Remember, it's the process, not the product that matters," he says. "Not all our kids will be fantastic athletes or brilliant students or accomplished musicians. But children who learn to work hard and persevere have a special talent. As I like to say, pluggers go far in life."

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